I love my natural inclination to dig deeper, to live deeply, to think and explore and play and evaluate and reflect. I love that I find my way to the answers that I need. I don’t need to prove to anyone that I don’t have certain issues or that I’m doing the Right work to get better myself. My natural instincts are lovely. And I am always doing my best. And I’m allowed to rest and I’m allowed to play within my soul. I’m allowed to pray and live and love in my own way. And it is enough.

I am enough.

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This massive crash and burn that has been my 22nd-23rd years around the sun started with this complete loss of something beautiful and powerful inside of myself- the understanding that my healing was strength and beauty and that the way I chose to exist through suffering was worth something.

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Today, I just wanted to say a quick hello, give you some amazing life updates, and let you know where Lilacs in Paradise is going from here- because I promise I’m coming back to full-time blogging over here!

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Have you seen The Boy with the Cuckoo-Clock Heart?
I especially love Miss Acacia and the way the artists showed her guard going up as a rope of thorns that appears around her body. Sometimes I feel that happen in myself, especially online where it's so easy for people to forget they are sharing with other humans- not just a screen full of numbers.

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I’ve been a super healthy CFer for most of my life, and that’s not really because I’m a Cystic Fibrosis fighter or a super hero or anything. Honestly, I mostly got lucky. I rebelled against the standard western approach to CF, refusing meds and being non-compliant at every opportunity. I never took my meds, and it’s catching up with me. Here’s what I would tell my rebellious past self about taking care of her chronic illness…

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I’ve been rebuilding myself with love and dedication, and it has been the most beautiful, powerful, painful, ugly experience of my life.

Here are 10 major lessons I learned while recovering from an abusive situation I got myself into at 22 years old:

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In the beginning, everything was fine. I was motivated to make the best of the situation, we were saving $$$ for our dreams, and I was building my dream business.

And then... things started slipping through the cracks.

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What I’ve realized is that so much of the coaching world is built on fraud. Shady scammy frustrating marketing tactics that feed on people in the most vulnerable points of their lives.

The hardest thing for me to face through everything going on was that I was a part of the coaching scam cycle.

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I get this feeling a lot in the spring- when the rainy days take over and it’s hard to believe 80+ degrees and non-stop sun are just around the corner. Add the frustration and doubt of a flopped launch in my business, and I’m pacing around the apartment wondering what I can possibly do with myself. Should I just keep poking my failure with a stick? What now?

Here’s what I learned about self-love on a rainy day.

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It’s been a wild and fantastic year!! Many celebrations were had, and many mistakes were made and learned from! But one stands out that I need to correct with YOU! Basically, I got super excited about a lot of the business skills and strategy I was learning this past year, and some of it seriously went to my head. I tried to do something I never wanted to do in the first place, and it bit me in the ass. And I’m glad it did!!

Lilacs in Paradise is going back to her roots- and I hope you’ll come along! Here’s why… & what you can expect:

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Here’s the big secret to my fresh perspective on life! I’m going to elaborate on this Entire-Freakin-Life Reset in the coming weeks and share practical tips for what I did to get my business together and prepare for the new flood of clients and opportunities that hit me suddenly, but I want to share the most important shift with you today and explain how you can recreate it for yourself (even if you’re not a VA working for an awesome business consultant).

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One thing I’ve been really shocked by as an adult is how oblivious much of the middle class is to true poverty and what it’s like to be poor. People think not being able to afford a family vacation one year is poverty (never mind the fact that they spent their vacation money on a shiny two-year-old pickup or a cabin a few hours north for vacations). I wasn’t that kind of poor.

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There may be massive realizations and moments where the clouds part along the way to embracing yourself, but self-love is kinda like a combination of a roller coaster and an upward spiral. It’s a consistent change over time- and I mean consistent in the long run. It’s a practice, not a revelation.

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Today I’m here just to share my heart a little bit.

2018 was a year of transformation and breaking down walls, limiting beliefs, and old thought patterns. Early 2019 has been the continued unfolding and cleaning up of the aftermath from all of that transformation and while it has been amazing, it has also been difficult on an emotional level.

People who were once up on pedestals as my greatest heroes have become mere human beings. People who were the worst people I knew also became mere human beings. I became a mere human being, and then a goddess, and then learned to embrace both at once. Then people who were the worst I’ve ever known became goddesses as well and I did NOT know what to do with that.

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