When I refuse myself the same grace and compassion I hold for others, I become the painful intolerance I hope to ease in this world. I need to embrace that even when I’ve made a mistake or fallen into anger, loving kindness and compassion are the ways to get through it. Not isolation as punishment.Read More
I love that song. And today, it sparked this realization for me… I’ve been in this relationship for 10 years come February… and I’ve been building a lego house of a home with him. I’ve been building something I could just knock down and walk away from if things went wrong.
It wasn’t exactly intentional, it’s just been a string of not-quite-deep-enough commitments to dreams followed by spirals of self-sabotage. I realized it’s really scary and difficult for me to truly open up to receiving love. It’s hard to feel like I really deserve it, and even harder to accept it knowinglyRead More
I’m so quick to feel trapped in a routine! In the past I’ve gotten a couple days into it and felt so accomplished, and then been like “okay that was fun, bye!!” and ditched the whole routine thinking I could just skip along my merry little way. Naturally, I’d crash and burn again within a couple weeks and feel all disappointed and annoyingly humbled as I started back at square one. So I was asking myself how to create a routine I don’t feel trapped in…Read More
It’s a book about healing from rape and it’s full of the raw emotions that come through the experience. There’s raging fury, devastation, hope, crushing exhaustion and deep depressions. Self-loathing. Forgiveness. Peace. Shattering and opening up over and over.
I’m sharing parts of my rape story I didn’t tell anyone about. I’m sharing the worst part, the part that made me feel the most ashamed and worthless- and it’s not what you think. But the most tragic part of it all? It was how very many women I know personally reached out to me to share their secret rape story. #themtooRead More
I got really scared leading up to the move, which meant my walls went WAY up and my defensiveness levels were through the roof. Every little thing felt like a challenge or a threat- to the point that I couldn’t stand my own thoughts. Finally making it out to the coast, I expected relief as I shed all the expectations and frustrations I’d been feeling pressured by back home.Read More
Despite the dream come true…and despite the peace and quiet of nature, I found my inner voice absolutely restless… and relentlessly cruel and critical.
I couldn’t relax. Beautiful ocean views, amazing coffee overlooking the stunning river… morning and evening meditations on the dock at the lake… Falling asleep to the sounds of the forest…
I had it all and I still couldn’t be happy. And then I realized something…Read More
There are humans, and then there are humans who are aware of their own mortality.
I don’t know about you, but I’m the latter. I was diagnosed with Cystic Fibrosis at just a couple months old, and it wasn’t lost on me that highschool may well have been the middle of my life. Other kids were going through rebellious phases while I was potentially experiencing a literal midlife crisis at 15.
And you know, in a way that was a gift.Read More
For the first time in over a year, I felt safe. I felt bright and warm and safe. I felt like life was flowing through me, and like I was comfortable. Like the shimmer of peach fuzz in the sunset, you know? That simple kind of early autumn sunset on a hammock in the country, perfect.Read More
I’m going alone to the edge of the world to write my healing story. (And then bring it back to you.) I’m going alone to the edge of the world to explore healing in a new way. To face myself, exactly as I am without the buffer of the distractions I’ve grown accustomed to.
I’m not running away from anything. I’m running right into the arms of my deepest longing and my greatest fears, and nothing has ever felt more right in my life.Read More
I love my natural inclination to dig deeper, to live deeply, to think and explore and play and evaluate and reflect. I love that I find my way to the answers that I need. I don’t need to prove to anyone that I don’t have certain issues or that I’m doing the Right work to get better myself. My natural instincts are lovely. And I am always doing my best. And I’m allowed to rest and I’m allowed to play within my soul. I’m allowed to pray and live and love in my own way. And it is enough.
I am enough.Read More
This massive crash and burn that has been my 22nd-23rd years around the sun started with this complete loss of something beautiful and powerful inside of myself- the understanding that my healing was strength and beauty and that the way I chose to exist through suffering was worth something.Read More
Today, I just wanted to say a quick hello, give you some amazing life updates, and let you know where Lilacs in Paradise is going from here- because I promise I’m coming back to full-time blogging over here!Read More
Have you seen The Boy with the Cuckoo-Clock Heart?
I especially love Miss Acacia and the way the artists showed her guard going up as a rope of thorns that appears around her body. Sometimes I feel that happen in myself, especially online where it's so easy for people to forget they are sharing with other humans- not just a screen full of numbers.
I’ve been a super healthy CFer for most of my life, and that’s not really because I’m a Cystic Fibrosis fighter or a super hero or anything. Honestly, I mostly got lucky. I rebelled against the standard western approach to CF, refusing meds and being non-compliant at every opportunity. I never took my meds, and it’s catching up with me. Here’s what I would tell my rebellious past self about taking care of her chronic illness…Read More
I’ve been rebuilding myself with love and dedication, and it has been the most beautiful, powerful, painful, ugly experience of my life.
Here are 10 major lessons I learned while recovering from an abusive situation I got myself into at 22 years old:Read More
In the beginning, everything was fine. I was motivated to make the best of the situation, we were saving $$$ for our dreams, and I was building my dream business.
And then... things started slipping through the cracks.Read More
What I’ve realized is that so much of the coaching world is built on fraud. Shady scammy frustrating marketing tactics that feed on people in the most vulnerable points of their lives.
The hardest thing for me to face through everything going on was that I was a part of the coaching scam cycle.Read More
I get this feeling a lot in the spring- when the rainy days take over and it’s hard to believe 80+ degrees and non-stop sun are just around the corner. Add the frustration and doubt of a flopped launch in my business, and I’m pacing around the apartment wondering what I can possibly do with myself. Should I just keep poking my failure with a stick? What now?
Here’s what I learned about self-love on a rainy day.Read More
It’s been a wild and fantastic year!! Many celebrations were had, and many mistakes were made and learned from! But one stands out that I need to correct with YOU! Basically, I got super excited about a lot of the business skills and strategy I was learning this past year, and some of it seriously went to my head. I tried to do something I never wanted to do in the first place, and it bit me in the ass. And I’m glad it did!!
Lilacs in Paradise is going back to her roots- and I hope you’ll come along! Here’s why… & what you can expect:Read More
When you first begin to set boundaries, every decision and thought begins to feel like a little more effort. For me, it was scary and exhausting at first. Then it became exciting, it was a little bit of a rush! Every time I set a boundary and there was no push-back or lashing out, my brain would buzz with the excitement of becoming my own person with my own energetic space in life.Read More