Abundance and grief seem like entirely different concepts from an outside perspective, but I want to show you how they’ve come together in my life this year as sort of complimentary phenomena.
I hope that by sharing these insights, you’ll see parallels in your own life and be able to find a more expansive perspective where you felt limited, tricked, or betrayed by fate.
Side note: This is such an amazing topic for the autumn season, because autumn itself is a perfect representation of abundance and grief creating something incredible. The changing and falling of the leaves, the abundance of those final fall harvests, joggers out soaking in the final days of pre-winter weather, the loss of summer, but the beginning of all things cozy…
Autumn is grief, ending, change, and abundance, excitement, and newness all at once. This is why we can’t help but love it.
August: “My life is filled with abundance.”
In August, I experienced such abundance in my life, in my business, everywhere! I got to visit the ocean, I had incredible new clients reach out to me and all sign up to work with me, I brought in more income than I’ve earned in entire years of my life, and all in less than month!
It was absolutely incredible. Like, cloud nine.
I published my first book and actually made money from it, which I totally did not expect!
(I know so many incredible self-published authors who go unnoticed, and I expected my own book to be similar. I can’t believe all the love you guys have shown me and how much support and positive feedback I received with my book! Thank you.)
I also found freedom from limiting beliefs and root blocks I’d been struggling with for months! I was able to break through all of this with the help of Jessica May Tang, and I’m still grateful every single day for the ways she taught me to step back into my own power and set myself free. This was the most abundant gift of all.
But August ended, like all months eventually do… and September was a different story.
“I am surrounded by abundance, but at what cost?”
After the crazy-abundant, expansive, freeing month of August, I was flying so high! I had more confidence in myself, more faith in the universe, and more personal power and freedom than I’d ever experienced in my life…
But it came to a crashing halt when I received a call that my grandmother passed away, and I had to be the one to call and tell my mom.
Heartbreaking is the only word. This knocked me down so hard. I took time off to grieve, and my business progress and the new sense of freedom in my life all got put on hold…
I was afraid August was a fluke, that maybe I wasn’t capable or worthy of living a truly abundant life. I thought it all balanced itself out the following month by taking someone away from my life. Like I somehow purchased my August abundance with my grandmother’s death.
Obviously that’s not the truth, but in the moment, that fear was burrowing pretty deeply in my mind!
A few weeks later, and just before the wedding, my dad’s fiance’s father passed away. This man was such a powerful, gentle, loving force in my life, and I had only just learned how to breathe again after losing my grandma.
I felt like the universe was kicking me while I was down.
I was coping with the grief, loving on myself and my loved ones, cherishing all that I had and showing and feeling gratitude each day… but I was giving up on the concept of abundance in the back of my mind.
And then I started getting sick.
October: “I get to choose.”
If you’ve been following me for a while, you probably noticed I fell of the face of the social-media-planet for most of October! I needed some time to take a deep look inside and figure out what kind of life I was going to continue choosing to create for myself.
In the face of grief and disappointment, and coming down from such an exciting high place, it was tempting to give up and let the dream of living an abundant life slip away.
It took some time by myself, a whole lot of journaling, and the kind of self-discipline required to do daily breathing treatments and work-outs, reading, journaling, and just freakin’ getting out of bed when everything feels sad and tired…
but I finally came to the conclusion that I do, in fact, want to live an abundant life. And I am ready to create that for myself.
Today: I am committed to living in abundance.
Today I’m committed to living this abundant joyful life. I’m opening my heart up to abundance in every form and realizing that the loss of loved ones was not a trade or a punishment for the abundance I experienced earlier in the year.
Instead, I’ve realized I am so blessed to HAVE so many people in my life I love so dearly- I’m blessed to have had two wonderful grandparent figures to lose in the first place.
I’m grateful to have the kind of lifestyle where I can tuck myself away and work through grief and big scary thoughts and heavy sad thoughts until I’m ready to step back into my heart and keep walking down the path I’ve chosen.
We lost another beloved pup in our family earlier this week (not one of mine, don’t worry fam. But it was a little guy I loved dearly), and once again I was faced with the choice of seeing it as a sign that all abundance comes with a price OR seeing it as what was meant to be in this moment, and once again feeling grateful to have had this little guy in my life to love in the first place.
I choose to be grateful for the times I got to laugh with the sweet little pup, with my grandma, and with my sweet old Nyle. I’m grateful for the abundance of love and light in my life, especially in the form of family, friends, and fur babies.
The truth is that, even with these losses, and even while honoring the loss and grief in my own heart and not just slapping a happy face over it all, I’ve experienced such joy and abundance these past two months, just like I did back in August.
No matter what you are going through, life is abundance. It’s all around you, you just have to know how to look for it.
If you’re suffering through grief or feeling like you take one step forward just to take three steps back the next morning, I want you to know there is still so much abundant life surrounding you.
The reason I experienced so much grief these past two months is because I love so deeply, so quickly, and so openly… and because I am blessed with an abundance of people, animals, places, and ideas to love in life.
I did not walk out of September with less in life, but rather with more. More strength, more love, more healing, more understanding, more gratitude.
I said goodbye to loved ones, but I still have those memories with them. I still have our shared loved ones, their children and grandchildren, I still have my own little family and this beautiful life I get to live.
Abundance and grief are not opposites, and they are not universal payment methods that must be exchanged in equal parts. They are just another part of the human experience, and they both have their place in my life.
I hope in the face of setbacks and loss, you are able to find the abundance around you. Remember to be gentle with yourself, but to fiercely choose that abundant truth. You’re going to make it.
Jessica Pena | Lifestyle + Blog Coach