Embracing Myself in a New Light


It’s a lovely beautiful Sunday in October, and I’ve just moved to the tiny little west coast town of my dreams…



Despite what everyone told me to expect, it’s been sunny more than rainy so far. The locals tell me the rainy season will start any day now and we won’t see the blue sky for weeks at a time. As someone madly in love with all things water, I’m looking forward to the rainy season, but I’m certainly appreciating the sunshine today.

Moving hundreds of miles from everything I’ve ever known in an RV by myself with my cat and three dogs… without my husband (if you’re new here, my husband stayed in Idaho for his job- he’ll be here in a few months when he finds a job he really likes)… it was harder than I thought. In the weeks leading up to the move, I grew progressively more agitated (this wasn’t helped by the fact that I was being weaned off a medication called Prednisone, which I imagine feels pretty similar to meth- it was some scary stuff and probably the most horrible medical experience of my life- but that’s another post for another time).

I got really scared leading up to the move, which meant my walls went WAY up and my defensiveness levels were through the roof. Every little thing felt like a challenge or a threat- to the point that I couldn’t stand my own thoughts. Finally making it out to the coast, I expected relief as I shed all the expectations and frustrations I’d been feeling pressured by back home.

Instead? I found angst! I could not for the life of me relax.

I had all the time in the world, I was surrounded by nature in this beautiful, cozy little home I’d put together for myself- filled with things that bring me such peace and inspiration… I finally had my dream come true- living in the forest by the lake at the base of the mountain, near the ocean. (Seriously, this place checked ALL the boxes, I didn’t even know that was possible!)

Last week, I finally settled into my peace again…

I created more of a routine for myself, got caught up on business with my clients, and wrote a blog for the first time in a couple weeks (I love writing to you guys. It was such a relief to finally put a new piece up for you- though I think I had posts scheduled throughout my move so you wouldn’t miss me too much).

Something I realized in the moments of peace amidst all the angst was that there are parts of myself I’ve yet to embrace…

And the irony is that once I embrace these parts that I wish would just go away, they actually do tend to vanish.

It’s my angst and anxiety I don’t want to embrace. My tendency to dismiss things I don’t want to deal with or that draw me out of my comfort zone. My impatient side. My impulsive and irresponsible side. It’s that wild side of me that got me out here living my dream- but out of balance that wild side is a disaster and I’ve learned to resent it because when I’m fully wild, I hurt the people I love.

This is a multi-dimensional situation with lots of layers, and I wanted to give you guys a taste of what I do as a lifestyle coach and mentor- because I practice in my own life everything I share with clients.

Here’s my process for exploring a realization about myself and learning to embrace a difficult side of me:

  1. First, I look at the beliefs that are causing guilt or disconnect in my own mind.

    On one hand, this wild side tends to hurt people I love. It can be selfish and careless. My impulsive financial decisions negatively impact and weigh on my marriage, they put my husband in a situation where he didn’t choose to be, and that’s something I’m not okay with. It’s one reason I want to shut out my wild side and reject it.

  2. Then, I explore the belief I’m currently holding that isn’t quite aligned with my truth or mission, and I establish my truth- rewriting the old belief into one that is aligned with who I want to be and the life I’m creating.

    On the other hand, some of that “hurt” that comes from living wild and free is really not my hurt to worry about. We have one life, and just as much as I am responsible for my own feelings and reactions to the choices others make, others are responsible for their own reactions and lives regardless of my decisions.
    More concrete? My close family was devastated that I decided to move so far away. Some of them were jealous, some of them felt rejected and angry. It wasn’t negative and selfish for me to move anyway. Their feelings are for them to work through, and leaving doesn’t mean I don’t love them. At the end of the day, I have to live with myself. One day, I will look back on my life and I will be the only one responsible for the choices I made. So? It’s my job to make sure I look back with peace and love in my heart, rather than regret. It’s my job to follow my soul where it leads me. I can do it with love and grace and compassion, but I must do it.

  3. Finally, I explore the parts of me that I’ve rejected, and I bring them back into loving light in my mind. I embrace myself.

    I already shared this bit with you- I found that it was my wild, unpredictable, impulsive, and irresponsible qualities that I felt I couldn’t tolerate.

    So… first I explore how these qualities actually serve me in creating my dream life.
    Being unpredictable excites me, it keeps me curious and keeps the energy flowing. My life doesn’t get stagnant. I’m always learning and growing, and I love that about myself.
    Being impulsive leads me to experiences most people wouldn’t take a chance on, and sometimes I meet really incredible people and learn powerful lessons.
    Being irresponsible, by some standards, also means I’m capable of being imperfect and making choices that don’t fit the status quo. This is really important when it comes to living a conscious life.

    Next, I acknowledge how these qualities have been out of balance- and the impact that has had on my life…
    Being excessively unpredictable and impulsive makes it difficult to communicate to others what to expect from me. This has had a negative impact on my marriage and in my business because my husband and paying clients need to know what to expect from me. I cannot clearly communicate if I can’t rely on myself to actually follow through. (Side note- I used to be horrible about following through on what I said I was going to do, but I’m actually amazing at that now! I felt like I was such a flake and I was always ashamed of myself, but I started practicing consistency and following through about a year ago and now I’m proud to say I DO follow through. This point here is more about being able to commit more consistently, because part of following through has meant not committing to things I won’t actually do- and I have a tendency to never want to commit to things now. This is where I’m focusing now.)

    Being excessively impulsive also takes a lot of the joy and pleasure out of some of my favorite things. One pumpkin spice latte is heavenly, but having several within 72 hours, I forget to be grateful and appreciate it. The same goes for my favorite foods. I’ve realized I can be grateful for a space every single day, always, but when it comes to consuming or buying things it’s an entirely different story. Out of balance, being impulsive takes a lot of my favorite little pleasures away and leaves me feeling guilty, anxious, and trapped. I feel flighty and scared, like I can’t trust myself- and then I end up feeling torn when making decisions. It’s a spiral I don’t want to live in anymore.

    Being irresponsible has obvious consequences in excess. It can cause me to lose things I hold dear, things like my health! My lifestyle is beautiful, but when I am irresponsible and impulsive with money, I lose some of my favorite parts. If i’d saved as much as I spent on coffee the past 3 years, my husband could have come with me on this amazing adventure and lived off our savings until he got the job he’s dreaming of. Instead, he had to choose between a job he hated (and that paid a lot less) to be here with me, or a job he felt fulfilled in (and made good money at) despite being far from home and family.

    Finally, I explore how I can bring the quality into balance with love. (Notice the difference between banishing a quality and bringing it into balance? That’s key.)
    I start by showing love to the qualities I was trying to reject.
    I love my wild side. I love how curious, passionate, adventurous, playful, and easygoing I can be! I love the experiences I get to live when I live freely in my own curiosity and passion.

    I can bring my impulsiveness, irresponsibility, and unpredictability into balance with a little bit of discipline. I can create a daily ritual of discipline, and implement routines and guidelines that empower me rather than trapping me.

    I know that I want to feel grounded and have a strong sense of serenity and inner peace that I can always lean into… I know that my wild side has been an excuse for not creating this in my life. I resisted routine because it felt like a threat to my freedom. Today, I’m realizing routine is empowerment. It sets me up for the kind of freedom I truly crave- which is freedom to trust myself and live my life to the fullest.

    So… I can create self-trust and discipline in my life while feeling more grounded, and giving my wild the roots it needs to become balanced and healthy by…?
    (That’s what I asked myself! You can do this too. Think about what you want to adjust, and tie it into a positive feeling or goal you have. Find a way to do both with one thing- I find having two really powerful WHYs behind something like this really makes an impact on my ability to commit and follow through.)

    My answer? Following a consistent budget and morning routine!

    (And to avoid feeling trapped, I leave room for flexibility. I have time in my routine that is all my own. I don’t care what order I do the things in my morning routine, so long as I do them. I plan a Murphy Fund and a Fun Surprises Fund into my budget for emergencies and impulse purchases. Then it’s up to me if I REALLY need that $5 coffee, or if I want to save my Fun Surprises Fund so I can get those $80 booties I’m bound to want come November, or a $600 conference down the road. Flexibility created with intention! Win!)

This is just a piece of my process…

I spend a lot of time journaling, praying, meditating, and contemplating- which really helps me be aware of how I’m feeling, what I really want, and where there are disconnects. I’ve always been really sensitive, but I know this is something that can be developed over time. The more time you spend honoring your beautiful, powerful emotions and embracing a state of being that really fulfills and empowers you, the easier it will become to notice, acknowledge, adjust, and recreate the pieces of yourself and your life that aren’t so easy to accept.

Something I learn every time I go through this process is that I am so full of light and love.

I learn that I am worthy, I am enough, I am full of grace and kindness. I am on a beautiful path and I am grateful for and proud of the life I’ve lived so far.

I hope the same is true for you, because no matter where you are in your journey or who you’ve been, you’ve got a loving core inside that is capable of shining so incredibly bright! I believe in you, and whether you read this just for fun or because you were seeking tools and insight for yourself, I hope it has helped you.

With so much love,

P.S. If this was groundbreaking and you want more of it, be sure to look into my mentorship and workbooks for more support! My one-on-one spots are an incredibly powerful space for inner growth, healing, and expansion. Vulnerability is the key to so much healing, but it’s hard to let those walls down just anywhere. I live that vulnerability openly and gently for you through all that I do so that you can see you are safe and not alone. I’ll be here to inspire you, to ask the questions nobody else does, to listen and truly hear you, and to help you understand, embrace, live, and radiate the mission on your heart. It’s time to live that beautiful life you dream of, to be that incredible person you long to become. You can do this.

Jessica PenaComment