Today I’m here just to share my heart a little bit.
What’s going on?
If you follow my on social media, you may already know I recently experienced another miscarriage… I’m also approaching a move, finally leaving the toxic roommate situation I’ve been in for over a year, woohoo!
I also recently discovered my own emotional fire and learned what anger really feels like and how it’s different from cruelty. It turns out anger can be kind, and that really does just blow my mind. It really rocked my world when I had the opportunity to use my anger for good and the fire was in me. It was powerful and amazing and I’m so grateful to have experienced it.
2018 was a year of transformation and breaking down walls, limiting beliefs, and old thought patterns. Early 2019 has been the continued unfolding and cleaning up of the aftermath from all of that transformation and while it has been amazing, it has also been difficult on an emotional level. People who were once up on pedestals as my greatest heroes have become mere human beings. People who were the worst people I knew also became mere human beings. I became a mere human being, and then a goddess, and then learned to embrace both at once. Then people who were the worst I’ve ever known became goddesses as well and I did NOT know what to do with that.
And then some of those goddesses were cruel and let me down. And they are still goddesses. And that’s a lot to take in, ya know? On top of all of this going on, I had a child growing and my whole world was ready to shift around my future tiny human. And then she vanished. Poof.
So, that’s a little glimpse at where I’m coming from today.
I know none of this is the end of the world, and I’m actually really truly grateful for each piece of what I’ve just said and the parts left unsaid. My life is in such a beautiful place and I have so much to treasure (and I do).
In times of change, I tend to reflect.
As a chapter ends or a page turns, I like to think about where I was, what got me there, and whether or not I’d like to ever go back to that place. If not, what can I do to make sure that doesn’t happen again. If I do want to go back to a place, then how can I live my life in a way that opens me up to similar experiences?
This roommate situation has ended bitterly. Someone I once felt was my friend ended up violating my trust and really wounding my heart- and they didn’t even care that they had done it. I felt betrayed by myself then, for letting someone in. There’s a line in a song that keeps running through my head…
I saw your potential without seeing credentials.
(and yes, I have been listening to the entire Thank U, Next album on repeat since it came out. The raw healing and power and allowing that Ari shares in this album is such a work of art. I have so much respect for her. #noshame #thankunext)
I felt like in failing to set stronger boundaries from the start, I really opened myself up to be hurt. I didn’t trust my initial instincts around this person, and to really prove to myself that I was kind and open to new experiences, I tried to give someone the benefit of the doubt… except I kept giving it and giving it, even after they showed me that they were unkind, that they didn’t truly care, that their intentions weren’t in the right place. I betrayed my intuition, and in the chaos of all of my inner beliefs shifting and so many limiting beliefs being shed, I didn’t trust myself.
Of all the pain I’m feeling, I’m feeling the most hurt around self-betrayal.
I’ve been struggling these past few weeks to find kindness, empathy, and love for myself. It’s taken patience and intention to truly care for myself and open up to see these wounds. Tonight, I’m spending time with them. I’m allowing myself to see them, to feel hurt, to feel like the victim and to feel the pity. I’m not going to live in this space, but for a moment I’m going to allow myself to explore that. I think that allowing is a key part of the healing.
Tonight, I grieve and feel my wound.
Tomorrow, I rise.
Tomorrow, I will take the time and space to see how it was all truly for me, how the universe had my back. I find the gratitude and love that make up my soul, and I breathe through it. I breathe in all of that loving gratitude, and I exhale every ounce of victimhood and suffering that no longer serves me.
That’s a post for another day, because I’m not quite there yet this round. If you’re feeling hurt by the world, by your family and loved ones, or by yourself… I hope you know you’re not alone in this world. You are loved and worthy. You’re allowed to feel hurt, you’re allowed to pity yourself for a while. You’re allowed to take care of you. Acknowledge your pain; speak to yourself as you’d speak to your own daughter in pain, or to your sister or best friend.
What you resist persists, so allow with love and grace.