Peace, Be Still.


My peace came back today…

It was so unexpected I just kinda sat with it, with myself, in grateful awe.

For the first time in over a year, I felt safe. I felt bright and warm and safe. I felt like life was flowing through me, and like I was comfortable. Like the shimmer of peach fuzz in the sunset, you know? That simple kind of early autumn sunset on a hammock in the country, perfect.

The need to rush fell away… and I could still feel anxiety like vines coiled around my chest… It was just different. I didn’t feel raw, insecure, or afraid. I could tell the anxiety was not me, it was just there with me.

I’ve been thinking about what is sacred to me, which you heard about last week, and I think that had everything to do with this sense of peace.

It was like the moment I decided I wanted my suffering, that I was content with my trials in life…
The peace settled right down into my heart.

I know there are people in the life coaching community who will say this is my ego talking- that it’s fear talking, wanting to drag me back “down” to where I’m comfortable instead of letting me “level up.” But I say no.

That’s not it.

It’s deeper than that. It’s precious, not toxic.
Grateful presence in the moment is not a limiting belief.

My posts won’t always come back to life coaching, but it was such a traumatic and deeply damaging experience for me- and I’ve had SO many people reach out to me since sharing what I went through saying they felt similarly, that life coaching nearly caused them to end their own lives.

So I’m going to share about it as it comes up, because I know I’m not alone and I don’t want there to be more suicides or months and years of wishing they were dead because someone tried to be a spiritual teacher wrapped up in mental health claims. It’s just messy, and it can be such a difficult, scary, and exhausting thing to heal from. So thank you for bearing with me as I recount and recover from the insanity I naively ate up during my little blip in that world.

Today, I really just wanted to share that my peace is back.
My inner peace and sense of self… I felt like me again, finally.

I left the life-coaching world in January, was suicidal on and off through March, and it is now August and I have finally felt the glimmers and deep loving nudges of inner peace again. We’re all different and healing isn’t a linear, predictable thing, but if you’ve been suffering through something similar, I want you to know there is light at the end of the tunnel- and you ARE that light. I am sending you so much love, and I promise you will get there. Please share your struggles if it helps, share with someone you can trust. Let it out, you don’t have to be ashamed. You didn’t do anything wrong, you’re human and we make mistakes and we do silly things and there’s nothing shameful about believing the best in others, okay? You are so wonderful and loved in this world. You are valuable.

You don’t have to hold onto the emptiness of beliefs that don’t click with you anymore.

You can let them go and create or rediscover beliefs that bring you back to life. Take care of you.

The healing is coming. ♥

Jessica PenaComment