November 2, 2017: The Day I Let Go
"None of us deserves to be defined by the worst thing we've ever done."
Today I forgive my mom for the past pains she could have protected me from, but didn't. I love my mom. I respect her journey. I believe she never meant to harm me or put me at risk.
I am grateful for my capacity to love, understand, and empathize with others as a results of the pain imposed on me from a young age.
I forgive myself for years of torture and judgment where I relived and blamed myself for the past. I forgive myself for living in fear, for being any less than honest, any less than my best self. I forgive myself for any harm I caused or poison I accepted as my own and spread to others.
I forgive D for his cruelty and carelessness. I understand that it was always a reflection of his own pain and insecurity, and that beneath the monster-mask there is a human being who is capable of loving and being loved.
I respect my own desire to live a life today that does not include a direct relationship with D or parts of the family I used to know. I forgive myself for judging my loved ones so harshly and I am grateful to myself for making a commitment to be a kinder, more loving and supportive person moving forward.
I forgive myself for arguing too harshly with my sister and I forgive her for her anger-response. I forgive myself for taking her reaction personally and making assumptions that hurt us both deeply.
I know I will continue to replace these harmful habits with more loving responses both toward my abusers and toward myself. I forgive myself for being unsure and sometimes unstable. While I work to create a more grounded heart and mind, I love and accept who I am today.
I forgive the universe for every pain I cannot understand. I am ready to move forward.
I am ready to practice the four agreements, to detach and live in the moment, to believe in myself and no longer gossip about myself or others, to release the dead memories of the past and live in the present.
I am ready to exercise gratitude rather than fear, faith rather than self-pity, optimism rather than guilt. Today, rather than tomorrow or yesterday, hope rather than memory. I'm ready to release myself from the burdens of remembering and to instead allow the kind, loving, compassionate, capable woman I am to fully live her life.
I am deeply sorry for the suffering I've nurtured all these years, and I forgive every version of myself. I forgive myself every lie, judgment, thought, word, and intention that served only to prolong suffering.
I believe in myself.
I know this perspective requires practice in order to become habit, but the forgiveness is real in this moment. The pain, fear, shame, and judgment may reappear out of habit, but I will only know them now as the dead memories they really are. I will let them go when they surface. I will listen to the fears of my child-self; I will bathe these fears in love, and then I will drown them with the beauty of the present. The past is dead and gone, but I am not. Each time I banish the suffering of the past, it will lose power over me. I will not give up until it truly becomes a corpse, still and silent in the grave of the past it belongs to.
I am who I am. This is the end of nurturing lies, carrying the corpse, the hellish past, and what is dead. This is the end of the pain, the guilt, and the shame.
For the very last time, goodbye familiar friend. May we never speak again.